Call it the shadow of myself.

I was thinking...

Before all of this crappy love junk, I was doing really well. I remember thinking positively and being happy just b/c I'm living in Cincinnati. Sure, I was sorta bored and was itching to make some new friends and whatnot. But I'm feeling pretty lonely rite now. I have a roommate, good friends all over the country, supportive family, and a serving job I like. But mostly things feel icky. I'll get over it, I know... I just need to vent a little. I really want to get back on track with school, and save money. I want to get into shape, and highlite my hair(I think I'll do that tomorrow). I want to be a better person... stop "feeling" so darn much. It's annoying, and it's not so healthy at times. (I wonder if this is too personal) There's so much I could be doing rather than being sad, and lamenting over someone not worth the energy. There's so much to be done. I believe it was Abe Lincoln who said "we're only as happy as we choose to be". Hmm.

I'm also really looking forward to a certain Apple gathering coming up in a few weeks. It will be so refreshing to see all of their smiling faces. It's exciting to think of laughing with everyone. (that sounds really dorky!) I dunno... I just love me some Apples. And I appreciate the support and words of encouragement from my friends. Ya'll have no idea how much you mean to me. (Love.)

So, Spring is on it's way. Yay! And then Summer! Which means sunny days, evening walks, throwing the ball around, ice cream, open windows, flip flops.... I can't wait! :)

Anyhoo, it's late.

Oh, and by the way... please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for a few days if that's ok.

Ever.
...

Smiling more...

I love this song.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you
...
-U2

And I love this photo... the only thing missing is Keith!
http://www.keithfromny.org/nyc03-2005/nyc01.jpg

my randomness(is that a word?) knows no bounds. :)
...

Bluer.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Wow, it's been a rough coupla weeks. Break-ups...
I just don't understand... well, he thinks I just don't accept. We'll see.
I don't like to leave things unresolved, so on a whim I tried to fix that... it was going as well as could be expected and then took a turn for the worse...and now I'm supposed to let go. Interesting.
Love is... Well, let me ask a question to all the fine folks who read my journal. Do you think love is a choice?
I'm not sure how I feel about it being a choice. But then, I'm a "feeler". Some people think too much.
Pain is a reality of life. I would rather love than choose to feel pain. That's just me.

God, I miss "that feeling".

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I did a crazy thing this past weekend... as if driving 8 hours wasn't insane... I made the the "4 hour" trek to New York. I knew I needed to be around folks who care about me. I needed friends, and the drive was well worth it. We walked, and walked, and... walked. One of the coolest parts was seeing where John Lennon was shot and killed. There is so much to see in that city. Times Square is unreal... sorta like "why?"
I would definitely like to go back. Note to self: wear clogs or athletic shoes next time.
Keith, Bill, Mariesa... Thank you from the deepest part of my heart. And thanks for the "LOVE STINKS" tshirt... it goes nicely with my broken heart!
And thanks to Jane and Julie for making me smile and such. And thanks to Karin and Linford for making a girl feel like everything's gonna be alrite.
This kindness and generosity is beyond me. I had a wonderful time exploring NYC with wonderful people. You just have no idea how much I needed it.

And yet, it wasn't supposed to happen.

I had so many thoughts running thru my head, and now it feels blank. How frustrating.

Oh, I feel a little lost. Love is so complicated. ::scream::

...