It's never quite what it seems.

I recieved a message today that's made me very uneasy. It was a message from a dear friend, and it wasn't the first of its type. I can't even respond b/c I just feel like a huge disappointment, and I don't want to be that to those people. Not them, they've done too much for me. What should I do? How do I go about keeping these friendships that are so important to me? I messed up, and I'm truly sorry for the way I over-reacted. But it's done now. I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time and it gets me into trouble. When I'm stressed... I believe it's much worse. And when that happens, honestly, I just don't want to be me.
This journal entry isn't for show or even an effort to mend what's happened. I just need to get some of it out into the open. I'm just not sure what to do. Part of me wants to just be done with it all and not subject these fine folks to my erratic behavior any longer. But on the other hand, I can't just leave. It's too much a part of my life, and the relationships are far too important to just let go.

I feel sick over it. I just don't know.

"I wanna do better... I wanna try harder..."

...

Just one thing...

Go Colts!

10-0.

Blah Blah Blah

So, I'm gonna update my journal sometime in the near future... I hope.
I really enjoy doing it, I just never have the time to sit around and piece together my thoughts and feelings. Bah. I'm gonna be moving to the "happier" side of Norwood in about 2 weeks(I can't believe how fast the time goes). I'm ready... it's gonna be really hectic with finals/the end of the quarter/work... but I'm ready. Honestly, I just want to get it over with so I can feel settled.

So... I've got a lot of reading to do. I've been trying to read 2 books, plus school stuff. OH my goodness, I just remembered something! ...

Anyhoo, I may or may not update in a few days b/c i may or may not have something exciting going on. :)

...

Exactly How I Feel...

"We write these songs[words] because we want to feel things deeply and listen well to our lives. So in times of loss, maybe we feel a bit more than we wish we did, and this makes it exceptionally painful."
-l.d.

More later...

Not well.

So, as if life's outlook hasn't been uncertain enough lately... today I got final word on the apartment situation. I have to be out November 31st. That's a month and a half to find something different. Thanks, landlord. I'm quite upset. I never planned on moving out a year after I moved into this place... I love it. I've decorated in accordance with the colors of the walls. I planned on living here as long as I was in school. This sucks so much. And on top of having to move... my roommate is strongly thinking about moving out on her own. She's lived with other girls for 6 years now... I understand she wants to have her own stuff, and live in a bigger place, and be on her own. I'm just not sure I'm ready to be on my own. Which... "has nothing to do with her". It's already pretty lonely most days. I don't have a lot of friends I can just call to go out to dinner or whatever. I don't want to live alone.
It's bordering on being too much to handle. Truly. I don't know how in the world I'm gonna find a place in this small amount of time. Right around the holidays, near the end of my 3rd quarter of school, cold weather, so much uncertainty. (God, give me strength.)
It just feels like I've had a lot of bad luck recently and I'm worn down. Mentally and physically.The car accident sure didn't help matters. I know ("deep down") it will work out. But man, I feel like quitting. And obviously, this is the "upset Kylie" talking. I don't know where to look for the positive, I don't even feel like I have time for that.
This is so blah-blah. But, it's my journal and I guess this is what it's for. Hopefully in a day or two... I'll have found the better side of this situation.
Just send some prayers or good thoughts towards Norwood.
As always, thanks for reading. Have a good day.

...

It's good...

So I had the opportunity to see the Reds, for the 3rd time... for free... seats just above the dugout. So, the picture isn't that great... but look how close we were sitting!!!
Sweet.


Someday... I'm gonna see the Cubs from seats this close. And all will be well with my soul. :) Sometimes, I really enjoy this city.
I went with my friend from work, Angie. Her boyfriend hooked us up with the tix(and some nachos, hotdogs, and beer). Haha.
We had such a good time... we even made the BIG SCREEN. How cool is that?!



I tried to start the wave... but did not have the success I had at the last Reds game I attended. Did I tell you about it? No? Oh... I started the wave and it went half-way around the stadium. Cool, huh? :)
So anyhoo... the fellas on the right side of us agree to do the wave. They were fun. But when I asked the old(and I mean "old") dude on the other side... he replied, "Nooooooooo". As if I'd asked him to shave the hair off of his right arm. He was not fun. But that's ok.
I took my baseball glove... but nothing came within range. Bah.

So that was a fun nite.

I have more exciting news. And another picture.
My crew-leader at the park showed me how to run two of our mowers. A John Deer "zero turn" and a bigger machine called a Kubota. So what did I do at work... I cut grass. That's rite... I'm a grass-cutter. I cut grass. :) Yay!
I dorked out and had them take a picture of me...



It's too bad you can't see my raging biceps and steel-toe boots. ;)

So, anyhoo... Thanks for reading. I'll talk to you soon.
. . .

Must listen...

This is some of the best music you'll ever hear. Listen. Now!

http://www.crowmedicine.com/

Listen to 'Wagon Wheel'... or watch the video.

Cinci folks... they're playing at the Southgate House on October 21st!

Go on. Listen. :)

Cryptic.

I wish it didn't have to be this way.

Hattiesburg, MS

I used to know some folks from Mississippi. If you read this, I sincerely hope you're all ok.

Peace.

www.redcross.org

Dear Diary...

So I walked into Caribou Coffee tonite during our break from class. I felt suddenly lonely. Or alone. Sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference. I reminisced about the last time I was in a Caribou Coffee. It must have been 2 years ago. I remember the aroma of the air around us and the scent of the unexpected rain as we sat outside drinking our 'caramel coolers'. We giggled and talked about the drive home. And our plans for the near future. It was nice. And perfect.
There's so much I don't understand. And I truely hope I don't have to live my entire life that way.(I know, I know... I'm young.) I'd give anything to know why.
My heart is heavy. All of these thoughts are clouding my mind, and there's no reason for it, really. I feel like puking.

Blah blah blah.

All that is Airy...

This is my beautiful little boy, my perfect bundle of joy. Haha. This is my new kitten... Harrold Airy Forrest Wilkerson. Or "Airy" for short. I found him at the park while I was at work a coupla weeks ago.
His interests are biting Kylie's fingers/toes/ankles, sitting in the window sill, climbing on everything in the apartment, sitting on shoulders, and being the cutest kitten in the world. :)

Fun in the sun...

So last weekend Kimberly and Justin came down to meet the Amazing AiryCat. In addition to them being here, our friend Lindsey came down to visit Casie and party hardcore with the Parrottheads. We had a lot of fun... so I'm gonna share a few pictures. *applause*
The photos from the Jimmy Buffett tail-gating shin-dig. I'm not gonna post all the pictures I have b/c some of them... well, "what happens at a Jimmy Buffett concert, stays at a Jimmy Buffett concert!" My only hope is that none of us ever run for public office. ;)
...

Casie(and co-worker Stephanie)...

Oh, look... it appears as tho I'm not wearing a top! :)

Lindsey and Kimberly...

Awww...

Pretty cool... we've been friends since we were 12...

Kim and Justin...

Word for the day: Suck.

Today sucked with a side of suck sauce.

I had to work, which was ok. But it's Sunday... I didn't want to work, I wanted to sleep in and watch a Lifetime movie and lay out. Bah.
And then, my laptop stopped working. I hope I can fix it. I love that thing.
I thought I was gonna get to actually dress up a bit, and go on a date. Well, I waited. And waited. He never called or anything. Jerk. Why ask me out? Why pursue me if you're just gonna be completely rude and waste my time?
And then... I had a "friend" tell me he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. That took the cake. I cried. And that sucked. I hate crying when the other person doesn't deserve the energy. I wish I could write people off the way they write me off.
Basically, everyone leaves. That seems to be the trend. Not feeling sorry for myself, not pushing "guilt". Just sayin'.

So yeah.

today+ men - my laptop = sucky

I'm out.

Soap, turkey, and fruit...

Geez, I'm exhausted.
I started working for the Hamilton County Park Board. I love being outside all day, but it's a lot of hard work and the crew is sorta rough. Altho, I found out today one of the dudes has a little crush on me. I don't really roll that way, but it's kinda cute. And I work with a really cool chick, so that makes the time pass a lot quicker. Anyhoo, I like it. And I'm getting buff. :)
It's going to be a rough coupla months, I think. Working full time, plus some shifts at the The Dubliner(which is so full of drama rite now) and school two nites a week and then studying on top of that. Wth?(What the heck?) I guess it's gonna "build character" and such. There's always room for character(and Jello®).

I've also met someone new. I was at my favourite park(http://http://www.cincinnati-oh.gov/cityparks/pages/-4959-/) 2 weeks ago, and a very nice looking young fella approached me. We chatted about the books we were reading, and then he asked me to go for a drink at Starbucks. We talked for a couple of hours, and exchanged numbers. So since then we've hung out twice. Once a movie and a lot of talking. And then on Sunday we went canoeing in the Little Miami River. It was a lot of fun. I told him he has to take me out to dinner, so that will be happening soon. :)
I genuinely enjoy his presence and obviously it's rather new. But I keep getting the feeling of wanting to be with someone who knows me, someone I know. Maybe it's just all the new-ness surrounding my life in the past few weeks?? Maybe I'm settling down in my old age. ;) It's a feeling I don't want to go into great detail about b/c it could get quite personal. And nobody wants that! That reminds me, I don't think he's very sarcastic and that's hard for me to understand. :)
But he's seriously good-looking and very nice. We also had dinner with his brother(and his g/f). They were very nice, but they seem to have it all together. Does that make anyone else nervous? I'm young, and my life is sorta ridiculous a lot of the time... I feel very uneasy around those types of people. But that's my problem... more power to them for having it all together!
So, we'll see how things go. I'm enjoying it and if nothing else... I've made a new friend. (That just reminded me... I'm supposed to call him. Ha.)

Life is so crazy rite now. I don't have time for anything it seems. I really need to go to the store! I'm running out of the essenstials... like soap and stuff. Stop the insanity!!! (whoa, susan powers)

I wanna go back on vacation! It was so laid back, and relaxing. It's nice to be around my family like that. I really miss them. And I miss the beach rite now... no, rite now. I think I'm gonna have to move to a beach. Maui, perhaps.
Anyhoo, I only have one picture from vacation as of now. It's my homemade postcard! :)
















Haha.
Well, I gotta go to sleep b/c that's how I roll now. I go to bed before midnite. C-razy.

I'll be posting again shortly b/c I have to do this book meme that Zayne sent me. Bah. ;)

Farewell, fine folks.

...(...)

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real
to know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
that I can't explain
so would I be out of line, if I said
I miss you
I see your picture, I smell your skin
on the empty pillow next to mine
you have only been gone ten days
but already I am wasting away
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon
but I need you to know that I care
and I miss you
(I miss you)
...

-Incubus

life gets pretty heavy
i wish it was light.

no more today, thanks.

The Adventures of C-dogg and K.J.

Last weekend a seed was planted. A dream was born. A trip was contrived. Casie and I made the plans to go to Paramount's Kings Island(pki for short) on Sunday June 27th. *cue dramatic music*
And that folks, is exactly what we did.
We had soooo much fun. And thanks to LouisBille, we didn't have to pay for tickets! We looked forward to it all week. We planned to hit up the water park(we're sungoddesses) and then ride the coasters in the evening. We prepared for fun in the sun. We bought beach towels, a cooler, we carefully decided what to pack the nite before, and I debuted my new orange bikini.
Once we arrived at the park, we headed straight for the waterpark... this place was *awesome*. I can't wait to go back. There are cool water rides, a lazy river(oh heaven), and a pool with a wave machine. It really felt like the ocean! They had a bar, and a band, and anything you could ever need or want! You might say it's a magical place. Here's a pic of me and Casie while having our lunch...

After lunch, we hung out with some of her co-workers from the nursing home. They're really down-to-earth folks. We took a ride on the lazy river, and then rode the coolest raft ride EVER. We laughed a lot. After that we layed out for a bit and then headed into the park for some roller-coaster-lovin'-fun!

Our first choice was Tomb Raider. Whoa. (Whoa.) We had no idea what to expect, but it was awesome and all-together-dramatic. **Descend into the ancient tomb of the illuminati guarded by the Warrior Goddess Durga, just as the planets align - and become enmeshed in an epic test of fire and ice! Hurtling through the darkness, you'll come face-to-face with glistening, razor-sharp stalactites and roiling, red-hot lava pits, twisting and turning as you struggle against the fury of nature's polar opposites in a desperate effort to escape!** We giggled the entire time... it was such a good ride... I'm pretty sure we hung upside down for 10 seconds over "molten red hot lava"! 5 stars.

The second ride was The Beast. Now, I hate roller coasters just as much as I love them. This ride is scary. It's wooden, it's fast, and it's rough. (ladies, wear support.) The Beast was born in the 70's, I believe. Dude, my *mom* has ridden this ride... so naturally I had to conquer my fear of wooden roller coasters. We got to what we thought was the end, and Casie suddenly remembered there was more... "the best part" is what she called it. So fast. So rough. It was pretty sweet. Screaming and all. 4 stars.

After that, we rode Son of Beast. A higher, faster version of The Beast. Freakin' A. This ride was insane. The only looping wooden roller coaster... with speeds of 78 mph and a descent of 214 feet. Sooo fun, and a little smoother. 4 stars.

We rode a few others, but those were definitely the high-lites! I'm sorry I don't have a picture for everyone to see... we decided not to get one b/c we were either not looking at the camera or I was in mid-scream. And that is not so attractive. :)

Here's another pic of us after a day of sun. We got pretty red, and freckly. You can't really tell, tho.

Here's a pic of Cincinnati's own the Eiffel Tower...

We finished off the nite with some Larosa's Pizza by the water fountains. It was nice to finally sit down.

It was such a perfect day. Neither of us had been to Kings Island in a long time. It had been since high school for me... we used to have to make a 4 hour trek on a school bus full of stinky teenagers, but this time we only had to drive 25 min. :) We can't wait to go back!

However, as much as I enjoyed myself at PKI, I still think Cedar Point is the best!

...

...
Me and Derek at Beatniks. It had been such a long time since I'd gone in there. They always make me feel so welcome. I love that place.

...
This is my brother and his new girlfriend, Amie. She's a looker. I haven't met her yet. When I think of them, I smile and sorta tear-up. I know he's happy.