I recieved a message today that's made me very uneasy. It was a message from a dear friend, and it wasn't the first of its type. I can't even respond b/c I just feel like a huge disappointment, and I don't want to be that to those people. Not them, they've done too much for me. What should I do? How do I go about keeping these friendships that are so important to me? I messed up, and I'm truly sorry for the way I over-reacted. But it's done now. I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time and it gets me into trouble. When I'm stressed... I believe it's much worse. And when that happens, honestly, I just don't want to be me.
This journal entry isn't for show or even an effort to mend what's happened. I just need to get some of it out into the open. I'm just not sure what to do. Part of me wants to just be done with it all and not subject these fine folks to my erratic behavior any longer. But on the other hand, I can't just leave. It's too much a part of my life, and the relationships are far too important to just let go.
I feel sick over it. I just don't know.
"I wanna do better... I wanna try harder..."
...
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4 comments:
I don't really know what to say, mostly because I don't know exactly what your talking about.
But I can say that I know how you're feeling. You know, I've spent the last week playing bad breakups in my head and contemplating leaving the Orchard behind. It was kind of harrowing. I don't know -- there's an indescribable pull there.
So I hope things work out in your situation and see you in December.
-d.
Not much to add here, other than we all, at some point, reach that moment where we "don't want to be me." Ironically enough, those moments usually go a long way to defining who, indeed, we are.
sorry things suck so bad.
btw: llb still makes me cry. :)
peace,
zayne
Wow, cool blog, Kylie.
I had no idea what you were talking, then Keith came along and I think maybe I get the gist of it now. Criticism is hard, man. It really is. It took me forever to get used to it. Especially because I think you're like me in that you're a real people pleaser. You just like to be in service to your friends. Thing is, they like being in service to you too, and that means taking the good with the bad, being there for each other, and teaching each other, and growing together. Keith has certainly taught me a thing or two, and may be directly responsible for whatever grace may have attached itself to my persona. Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much. At least you get PMs from Keith. :p Seriously, I think you're awesome and always have. Hope you feel better.
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