We're falling in love again... me and Jetta James.

That's rite, ya'll. 90% on my A & P exam. Next chatper: Neurophysiology!
..

Matter-of-Course

...
you hit me like the cold in the morning rain
you hit me like the wind against a moving train
you hit me like a preacher with a heavy soul
i will find another way home

you hit me like deliah on samson
you hit me like the fires on rome
you hit me with your fear, yeah i can take it baby
i will find another way home

you hit me like the anger of mexico
burnin' down the doors of the alamo
you hit me with the things i already know
i will find another way home

when you hit me, yeah you always leave a trace of it on my skin
when you hit me, i'm in no man's land, relevating it
when you hit me the whole world feels abuse and my regret

when you hit me, i am not me
i am not me, when you hit me
i am not me
when you hit me, i am not me

you hit me like the blue of the ocean sky
you hit me like the heat of july
you hit me with your fist, yeah i can take it baby
i will find another way...
i will find another way...
i will find another way home
...

-kim taylor

Rock n' Roll Heaven...

So, I had a very odd dream last nite.

I can't really recall how it started out. The first thing I remember is looking down at the clouds. It was the most beautiful thing ever. I asked our "tour guide" where we were, and she replied "rock n' roll heaven". (i know, right?)
It was a big building, with hundreds of little rooms meant for playing and listening.
So strange, but cool. It wasn't all musicians tho. There were a lot of celebrities, and some normal folks, like myself. Not everyone was dead, it sorta felt like a place for broken hearts. I felt so lost, but the music made it worthwhile.
And I could use my cell phone. I called my mom, but of course I didn't have a very good signal. (I'm guessing there aren't cell phone towers in heaven.) So then I tried to call some friends, but still couldn't get thru. I was panicking b/c I couldn't figure out what was going on. I finally got ahold of my mother... she couldn't hear anything I was saying. Thru the static I hear my mom say, "he'll be waiting for you at the doors"... and then the phone cut out. I knew who she was talking about. So I started walking, looking for these doors... looking for him. The place was so big, I walked for what felt like years. I started to give up. And then I ran into this lady... She was old, and very wise to what was going on. I have no idea who she was, but I felt a kinship with her. She only told me to wait...

And then I woke up.

What a strange dream, in so many ways. Hmmm...

haha.
"Kylie with gout." Artwork courtesy of Anna.

Much prettier in real life. 

me and my buddy, michelle. 

...

...

I'm in a picture-posting mood.
Me, Karin Bergquist(OtR), and Kimberly.

venting...

i never took your hand
because i never trusted it
you've done all you can do, i suppose
but, you repeatedly fell on your face,
as i watched, as she picked you up
and fortunately let you go.
no one ever saved me
the way you could have,
if you were someone else.
maybe things could have been different,
mabye i wouldn't be the way i am,
disappoint(-ing, -ed) and delusional.
. . .

... 

Call it the shadow of myself.

I was thinking...

Before all of this crappy love junk, I was doing really well. I remember thinking positively and being happy just b/c I'm living in Cincinnati. Sure, I was sorta bored and was itching to make some new friends and whatnot. But I'm feeling pretty lonely rite now. I have a roommate, good friends all over the country, supportive family, and a serving job I like. But mostly things feel icky. I'll get over it, I know... I just need to vent a little. I really want to get back on track with school, and save money. I want to get into shape, and highlite my hair(I think I'll do that tomorrow). I want to be a better person... stop "feeling" so darn much. It's annoying, and it's not so healthy at times. (I wonder if this is too personal) There's so much I could be doing rather than being sad, and lamenting over someone not worth the energy. There's so much to be done. I believe it was Abe Lincoln who said "we're only as happy as we choose to be". Hmm.

I'm also really looking forward to a certain Apple gathering coming up in a few weeks. It will be so refreshing to see all of their smiling faces. It's exciting to think of laughing with everyone. (that sounds really dorky!) I dunno... I just love me some Apples. And I appreciate the support and words of encouragement from my friends. Ya'll have no idea how much you mean to me. (Love.)

So, Spring is on it's way. Yay! And then Summer! Which means sunny days, evening walks, throwing the ball around, ice cream, open windows, flip flops.... I can't wait! :)

Anyhoo, it's late.

Oh, and by the way... please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for a few days if that's ok.

Ever.
...

Smiling more...

I love this song.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you
...
-U2

And I love this photo... the only thing missing is Keith!
http://www.keithfromny.org/nyc03-2005/nyc01.jpg

my randomness(is that a word?) knows no bounds. :)
...

Bluer.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Wow, it's been a rough coupla weeks. Break-ups...
I just don't understand... well, he thinks I just don't accept. We'll see.
I don't like to leave things unresolved, so on a whim I tried to fix that... it was going as well as could be expected and then took a turn for the worse...and now I'm supposed to let go. Interesting.
Love is... Well, let me ask a question to all the fine folks who read my journal. Do you think love is a choice?
I'm not sure how I feel about it being a choice. But then, I'm a "feeler". Some people think too much.
Pain is a reality of life. I would rather love than choose to feel pain. That's just me.

God, I miss "that feeling".

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I did a crazy thing this past weekend... as if driving 8 hours wasn't insane... I made the the "4 hour" trek to New York. I knew I needed to be around folks who care about me. I needed friends, and the drive was well worth it. We walked, and walked, and... walked. One of the coolest parts was seeing where John Lennon was shot and killed. There is so much to see in that city. Times Square is unreal... sorta like "why?"
I would definitely like to go back. Note to self: wear clogs or athletic shoes next time.
Keith, Bill, Mariesa... Thank you from the deepest part of my heart. And thanks for the "LOVE STINKS" tshirt... it goes nicely with my broken heart!
And thanks to Jane and Julie for making me smile and such. And thanks to Karin and Linford for making a girl feel like everything's gonna be alrite.
This kindness and generosity is beyond me. I had a wonderful time exploring NYC with wonderful people. You just have no idea how much I needed it.

And yet, it wasn't supposed to happen.

I had so many thoughts running thru my head, and now it feels blank. How frustrating.

Oh, I feel a little lost. Love is so complicated. ::scream::

...

why is my heart prone to breaking?

f*ck.

Play-by-play

Today, I actually smiled and giggled. Someone even told me they missed my giggle. How sweet.

I spent a lot of today in thought. And a lot of time getting advice from three different dude friends.
What a strange day. This has the potential to be a very random journal entry. You don't mind, do you?

This a.m. I talked with a dear(hot!) friend from the Orchard. (man, i miss you) For some reason, this tiny convo had a positive affect on today's outlook. Thank you for your concern.
After that... I showered, made myself smell nice, put on make-up and felt pretty(which is important when you're feeling sickly). :)

I had lunch with my long-lost friend, Steven. Everytime I spend time with this fella... I feel so good about myself. We talked about love, books, tomato-basil soup, Damien Rice, love, and the awkwardness of eating noodles on first dates. He reminds me of my dearest**... less goofy, but so much alike.
He has an easy presence, and enjoys giving compliments. He's romantic with his words... elegant. He's strong, kind, and intelligent. I trust his advice and wish him luck on the book and the job search. Thank you, Steven.


After lunch I rushed to my doc appointment. Interesting, the outcome. And by interesting I mean scary. They scheduled me for a Cardio-Stress Test... that whole 4-hour-hooked-up-to-a-tread-mill type of thing. Normally... I dunno, I don't think I'd be as freaked out. Maybe it's just bad timing. I'm actually scared. I'm twenty-freakin-three years old. I want someone to tell me it's ok, and to hold my hand. I'm keep telling myself it's gonna be fine... but geez, I'm scared.

Good thoughts...

On the way home, I stopped at the church. I just needed to visit with my old youth pastor... Jeff. This man used to be one of the most important in my life. Life changes took our relationship on different paths. Even so, I was greeted with a smile. I've been missed, and that's just alrite. We caught up a bit. I sat down in his office, and that was his cue to give some much needed advice, along with his ever familiar attempts to make me giggle. I love that man. He also reminds me of someone I find dearest**. It's so funny... our conversations. An example... he listens to me ramble and then tries to convince me of something so completely silly and I say, "you're craaaaazy!... Jeff... focus!" "Oh ok... go on". Repeat. And then finally the good advice comes out. His perspective is the concensus. And therefore, hopeful.

Yesterday I didn't even listen to music. Today I sang on the way home.

A little later in the evening, I believe I made a new friend. So, thanks to Janelle for making me laugh and feel proud to be a girl. She's a gem, that one.
You sit back and relax, I'll row for now. ;)

I sat down and read some things online... sadness ensued. "I felt my head was like a heavy flood... I'm gonna float or I'm gonna sink..."

I'll float rite now, thanks.

I just know that whatever I do... it's in love, and I should hope others would do the same. Seems obvious to me. (read: Logic does not always apply)

Thanks for reading this log of my life. You're too kind, and chances are ... you're more than you think you are(to me).
. . .

(**not as in I "own" a dearest... the one "dearest" to me... just to clarify)

I'm not even sure.

Often, I find myself thinking about what I was doing this time last year. So I suppose I'll share a little.
Last year on this day I was in Japan with a severe broken heart. A lot of you know the story... just the same old lost love blather. Much has happened since then. I've began life again, made a lot of dear friends, seen/heard some good live music, and met someone who's become very important to me. It's been a (lovely)whirlwind, that's fo sho. It's odd to think of how relationships come about and how people's lives become intertwined. I believe this is the most important part of life. Seems obvious to me.
This person I met a few short months ago is among the greatest I've ever known. I knew that in the minutes following the first time we laid eyes on each other. (Sappy? Nah.) The things he's overcome, and the lengths he's gone to make life better is why I respect him so much. His presence is easy, gentle, humerous... He is loved. He is blessed. Troy, you're so much more than I could ever express. And you've made me feel beautiful again. Thank you.

"The greatest thing is to love and be loved in return."

Maybe I shouldn't post these (perhaps) private thoughts. It just is what it is.


Love.

Long time... no write.

It's been a while. Primarily b/c I no longer have an internet connection. I'm at the library. Bah.

My thoughts are single, elsewhere, and scattered. This is not a good thing.
Much has happened since I last posted. I cannot, at this time, go into detail. (the suspense is killing you...)

I'm posting lyrics today.

...

I want you to be my love.
I want you to be my love.
Something, something... stars above.
I want you to be my love.

I want you to know me now.
I want you to know me now.
Break a promise, make a vow.
I know you want me now....

Like I want you...
Like I want you...

I want you to be my love.
I want you to be my love.
'Cause I want you...
'Cause I want you...
All that you've been through.

-OtR
...

Be still.

Thanksgiving...

This post is inspired by a thread in the Orchard.

Thanksgiving is probably my favourite holiday. Friends, family, and food.
I love the feeling in the air. Generally, everyone is friendly and excited to see one another. The house is warm, and no one is expecting anything. The Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade is on the t.v. in the morning, and football in the afternoon. My mother spends her day cooking. (it's like an art form) The food is exceptional and you can feel the approaching Christmas spirit. This may be a bit more romantic than it actually is, but that's the fun part. I do love this holiday.

This year I'm thankful for...

• life, and learning it's much better than the alternative.
• my parents, and they're generosity. (i love you, mom)
• my sister and brother. i can't wait to see them.
• my extended family.
• my dear friends. i miss everyone so much.
• my roommate. i'm ever grateful for what he's provided and how much he's done to help me out. thank you.
• the Orchard. joining in that community last spring was exactly what i needed. you made a sad girl smile way more than she ever thought she could. thank you.
• someone, in the past year, who's taught me a lot about growing up. you've been more important than i've lead on. you're only you, and it's beautiful.
• new friend(s), and laughing. i'm looking forward...
• folks who give just to give.
• my new apartment. the folks who hooked me up with said apartment, my generous landlords, and the community sorrounding my apt.
• for feelings and thoughts. maybe this doesn't make sense. but, i'm thankful that i can take the time and appreciate the small things in life.
• and last but not least... books, music, and writing. my outlets.

...

I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. Friends, you're in my thoughts. I love most of you. :)

sense of belonging

so, tonite I was invited to a small group thingy... "house church" is what they call it.

first off, it was held across the street from my new apartment. so it was cool saying, "yeah i'm moving in across the street in a month." :)

also, i didn't feel awkward at all. the folks who invited me, the ones i actually know their names, weren't there. normally in this type of situation, i sorta freeze up and become very backwards and shy. but i felt .... welcomed. and for the first time since i've been living in Cincinnati... i felt like i could call it "home" for the time being.... a very warm and much needed feeling. i cannot wait until i move into my apartment, and into that little community.
...

i don't want to whine or complain. but if anyone could send out some good vibes in the way of financial stresses... i'm all for it. i mean, i can live in my apartment w/o furniture, right? heh.

also, thanks to my dear friends who leave comments here. i don't always get the time to respond. but i appreciate the thoughts and the time you take to leave the message.

goodnite. and i miss you, whoever you are.

it's been a while.

i haven't posted in a few weeks, mainly b/c i've been to busy to sit down and think of what i want to say. i shouldn't be doing it now, but my head might explode.

after hearing the election results a bit ago, i feel rather "blah". i don't know who has the right answers, but it certainly doesn't make sense to keep handing out the wrong ones. i feel helpless, and quite sad.

there have been two other issues bothering me as of late. i'd rather not mention names nor go into the whole dramatic story.
these "issues"... i'm saying goodbye to. one forever, one just for now. it's just not worth the time i put into it. i wish it were, especially the one "here and now". that's the hard truth, i suppose. i guess i just want more than what is actually available. ... whatever that is??

actually, you know... i will mention one... my ex. what a self-absorbed, delusional asshole. seriously. apparently he lives in some mystery state... my sister was told he doesn't want anyone to know where he is. anyone = me or my family.
every time something comes up about the war... i just get really really pissed. i spent months supporting my ex while he was over there. countless letters, emails, and packages to make his days go better. sure, that was my job. but what did i get for it? nothing. it's totally more than that, i just can't express myself enuf. you spend these nights not sleeping or crying b/c you might get a knock on your door with the worst news you could imagine. and then, you're told you didn't love him and was too selfish to see it? pardon, but that is just crap.
the "funny" thing is, (and it might not seem like it) but i've moved on. just sometimes, certain things bring up unsettled feelings b/c there was absolutely no closure in Japan. and to whom it may concern: get over yourselves, you have no idea and you're just weird.
(/rant.)

i'm really okay... i just needed to vent. now i must study...