Narcissism and a Poll.

So...

I straightened my hair tonite and I'm wondering what you fine folks might think of it.

Exhibit A:


Exhibit 2:

How do you like my hair?
	Curly?
	Straight?
	You don't really give a rat's ace?
	You think I should shave my head and give it to "locks of love"?
	Your mother.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Greetings, ya'll...

I just wanna step in rite quick to thank my friends for reading/leaving comments in my journal. Sometimes, it just seems to make life a little easier knowing I have some real genuine folks in my life.

Some lyrics have been lining my thoughts today, and of course they're from OtR.

"Courage is a weapon we must use, to find some life we can't refuse... ".

. . .

Love,
kylie

Blah Blah Blah...

So, life can be quite overwhelming.

In the news: I'm digging the new apartment over here on Hazel Avenue.
It's so gloriously vintage! I'll try and get some pictures posted when I get my NEW DIGITAL CAMERA! :) (... kinda excited about that) I haven't been able to unpack everything just yet... Hopefully that will change this weekend.
Finals are this week... tonite's exam wasn't too bad... but the A & P final is a completely different story. Lots o' studying on the way.
My job at the park is ending in less than 2 weeks. So, I have to find something else... soon. I guess I'll start looking next week. I haven't had time to even think about it until, well... until after Thursday. :) So, we'll see. Wish me luck.

Previously, I had something "exciting" to post about, but that's over now. I'd started seeing a young fella about a month ago... but I just didn't feel like it was working out. He's a great guy, just not for me.

OtR's Xmas tour is kicking off... including the Taft show coming up very soon. I'm hoping for a magical nite. I'm excited.

So, there you go.

Life is crazy.

Also, if anyone in the area wants a free massage(tips accepted)... let me know. I'm trying to get the ball rolling. You know you wanna. ;)

I hope you're enjoying the frickin' freezing weather we're having!

I'll talk to you soon.
. . .

It's never quite what it seems.

I recieved a message today that's made me very uneasy. It was a message from a dear friend, and it wasn't the first of its type. I can't even respond b/c I just feel like a huge disappointment, and I don't want to be that to those people. Not them, they've done too much for me. What should I do? How do I go about keeping these friendships that are so important to me? I messed up, and I'm truly sorry for the way I over-reacted. But it's done now. I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time and it gets me into trouble. When I'm stressed... I believe it's much worse. And when that happens, honestly, I just don't want to be me.
This journal entry isn't for show or even an effort to mend what's happened. I just need to get some of it out into the open. I'm just not sure what to do. Part of me wants to just be done with it all and not subject these fine folks to my erratic behavior any longer. But on the other hand, I can't just leave. It's too much a part of my life, and the relationships are far too important to just let go.

I feel sick over it. I just don't know.

"I wanna do better... I wanna try harder..."

...

Just one thing...

Go Colts!

10-0.

Blah Blah Blah

So, I'm gonna update my journal sometime in the near future... I hope.
I really enjoy doing it, I just never have the time to sit around and piece together my thoughts and feelings. Bah. I'm gonna be moving to the "happier" side of Norwood in about 2 weeks(I can't believe how fast the time goes). I'm ready... it's gonna be really hectic with finals/the end of the quarter/work... but I'm ready. Honestly, I just want to get it over with so I can feel settled.

So... I've got a lot of reading to do. I've been trying to read 2 books, plus school stuff. OH my goodness, I just remembered something! ...

Anyhoo, I may or may not update in a few days b/c i may or may not have something exciting going on. :)

...

Exactly How I Feel...

"We write these songs[words] because we want to feel things deeply and listen well to our lives. So in times of loss, maybe we feel a bit more than we wish we did, and this makes it exceptionally painful."
-l.d.

More later...

Not well.

So, as if life's outlook hasn't been uncertain enough lately... today I got final word on the apartment situation. I have to be out November 31st. That's a month and a half to find something different. Thanks, landlord. I'm quite upset. I never planned on moving out a year after I moved into this place... I love it. I've decorated in accordance with the colors of the walls. I planned on living here as long as I was in school. This sucks so much. And on top of having to move... my roommate is strongly thinking about moving out on her own. She's lived with other girls for 6 years now... I understand she wants to have her own stuff, and live in a bigger place, and be on her own. I'm just not sure I'm ready to be on my own. Which... "has nothing to do with her". It's already pretty lonely most days. I don't have a lot of friends I can just call to go out to dinner or whatever. I don't want to live alone.
It's bordering on being too much to handle. Truly. I don't know how in the world I'm gonna find a place in this small amount of time. Right around the holidays, near the end of my 3rd quarter of school, cold weather, so much uncertainty. (God, give me strength.)
It just feels like I've had a lot of bad luck recently and I'm worn down. Mentally and physically.The car accident sure didn't help matters. I know ("deep down") it will work out. But man, I feel like quitting. And obviously, this is the "upset Kylie" talking. I don't know where to look for the positive, I don't even feel like I have time for that.
This is so blah-blah. But, it's my journal and I guess this is what it's for. Hopefully in a day or two... I'll have found the better side of this situation.
Just send some prayers or good thoughts towards Norwood.
As always, thanks for reading. Have a good day.

...

It's good...

So I had the opportunity to see the Reds, for the 3rd time... for free... seats just above the dugout. So, the picture isn't that great... but look how close we were sitting!!!
Sweet.


Someday... I'm gonna see the Cubs from seats this close. And all will be well with my soul. :) Sometimes, I really enjoy this city.
I went with my friend from work, Angie. Her boyfriend hooked us up with the tix(and some nachos, hotdogs, and beer). Haha.
We had such a good time... we even made the BIG SCREEN. How cool is that?!



I tried to start the wave... but did not have the success I had at the last Reds game I attended. Did I tell you about it? No? Oh... I started the wave and it went half-way around the stadium. Cool, huh? :)
So anyhoo... the fellas on the right side of us agree to do the wave. They were fun. But when I asked the old(and I mean "old") dude on the other side... he replied, "Nooooooooo". As if I'd asked him to shave the hair off of his right arm. He was not fun. But that's ok.
I took my baseball glove... but nothing came within range. Bah.

So that was a fun nite.

I have more exciting news. And another picture.
My crew-leader at the park showed me how to run two of our mowers. A John Deer "zero turn" and a bigger machine called a Kubota. So what did I do at work... I cut grass. That's rite... I'm a grass-cutter. I cut grass. :) Yay!
I dorked out and had them take a picture of me...



It's too bad you can't see my raging biceps and steel-toe boots. ;)

So, anyhoo... Thanks for reading. I'll talk to you soon.
. . .

Must listen...

This is some of the best music you'll ever hear. Listen. Now!

http://www.crowmedicine.com/

Listen to 'Wagon Wheel'... or watch the video.

Cinci folks... they're playing at the Southgate House on October 21st!

Go on. Listen. :)

Cryptic.

I wish it didn't have to be this way.

Hattiesburg, MS

I used to know some folks from Mississippi. If you read this, I sincerely hope you're all ok.

Peace.

www.redcross.org

Dear Diary...

So I walked into Caribou Coffee tonite during our break from class. I felt suddenly lonely. Or alone. Sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference. I reminisced about the last time I was in a Caribou Coffee. It must have been 2 years ago. I remember the aroma of the air around us and the scent of the unexpected rain as we sat outside drinking our 'caramel coolers'. We giggled and talked about the drive home. And our plans for the near future. It was nice. And perfect.
There's so much I don't understand. And I truely hope I don't have to live my entire life that way.(I know, I know... I'm young.) I'd give anything to know why.
My heart is heavy. All of these thoughts are clouding my mind, and there's no reason for it, really. I feel like puking.

Blah blah blah.

All that is Airy...

This is my beautiful little boy, my perfect bundle of joy. Haha. This is my new kitten... Harrold Airy Forrest Wilkerson. Or "Airy" for short. I found him at the park while I was at work a coupla weeks ago.
His interests are biting Kylie's fingers/toes/ankles, sitting in the window sill, climbing on everything in the apartment, sitting on shoulders, and being the cutest kitten in the world. :)

Fun in the sun...

So last weekend Kimberly and Justin came down to meet the Amazing AiryCat. In addition to them being here, our friend Lindsey came down to visit Casie and party hardcore with the Parrottheads. We had a lot of fun... so I'm gonna share a few pictures. *applause*
The photos from the Jimmy Buffett tail-gating shin-dig. I'm not gonna post all the pictures I have b/c some of them... well, "what happens at a Jimmy Buffett concert, stays at a Jimmy Buffett concert!" My only hope is that none of us ever run for public office. ;)
...

Casie(and co-worker Stephanie)...

Oh, look... it appears as tho I'm not wearing a top! :)

Lindsey and Kimberly...

Awww...

Pretty cool... we've been friends since we were 12...

Kim and Justin...

Word for the day: Suck.

Today sucked with a side of suck sauce.

I had to work, which was ok. But it's Sunday... I didn't want to work, I wanted to sleep in and watch a Lifetime movie and lay out. Bah.
And then, my laptop stopped working. I hope I can fix it. I love that thing.
I thought I was gonna get to actually dress up a bit, and go on a date. Well, I waited. And waited. He never called or anything. Jerk. Why ask me out? Why pursue me if you're just gonna be completely rude and waste my time?
And then... I had a "friend" tell me he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. That took the cake. I cried. And that sucked. I hate crying when the other person doesn't deserve the energy. I wish I could write people off the way they write me off.
Basically, everyone leaves. That seems to be the trend. Not feeling sorry for myself, not pushing "guilt". Just sayin'.

So yeah.

today+ men - my laptop = sucky

I'm out.

Soap, turkey, and fruit...

Geez, I'm exhausted.
I started working for the Hamilton County Park Board. I love being outside all day, but it's a lot of hard work and the crew is sorta rough. Altho, I found out today one of the dudes has a little crush on me. I don't really roll that way, but it's kinda cute. And I work with a really cool chick, so that makes the time pass a lot quicker. Anyhoo, I like it. And I'm getting buff. :)
It's going to be a rough coupla months, I think. Working full time, plus some shifts at the The Dubliner(which is so full of drama rite now) and school two nites a week and then studying on top of that. Wth?(What the heck?) I guess it's gonna "build character" and such. There's always room for character(and Jello®).

I've also met someone new. I was at my favourite park(http://http://www.cincinnati-oh.gov/cityparks/pages/-4959-/) 2 weeks ago, and a very nice looking young fella approached me. We chatted about the books we were reading, and then he asked me to go for a drink at Starbucks. We talked for a couple of hours, and exchanged numbers. So since then we've hung out twice. Once a movie and a lot of talking. And then on Sunday we went canoeing in the Little Miami River. It was a lot of fun. I told him he has to take me out to dinner, so that will be happening soon. :)
I genuinely enjoy his presence and obviously it's rather new. But I keep getting the feeling of wanting to be with someone who knows me, someone I know. Maybe it's just all the new-ness surrounding my life in the past few weeks?? Maybe I'm settling down in my old age. ;) It's a feeling I don't want to go into great detail about b/c it could get quite personal. And nobody wants that! That reminds me, I don't think he's very sarcastic and that's hard for me to understand. :)
But he's seriously good-looking and very nice. We also had dinner with his brother(and his g/f). They were very nice, but they seem to have it all together. Does that make anyone else nervous? I'm young, and my life is sorta ridiculous a lot of the time... I feel very uneasy around those types of people. But that's my problem... more power to them for having it all together!
So, we'll see how things go. I'm enjoying it and if nothing else... I've made a new friend. (That just reminded me... I'm supposed to call him. Ha.)

Life is so crazy rite now. I don't have time for anything it seems. I really need to go to the store! I'm running out of the essenstials... like soap and stuff. Stop the insanity!!! (whoa, susan powers)

I wanna go back on vacation! It was so laid back, and relaxing. It's nice to be around my family like that. I really miss them. And I miss the beach rite now... no, rite now. I think I'm gonna have to move to a beach. Maui, perhaps.
Anyhoo, I only have one picture from vacation as of now. It's my homemade postcard! :)
















Haha.
Well, I gotta go to sleep b/c that's how I roll now. I go to bed before midnite. C-razy.

I'll be posting again shortly b/c I have to do this book meme that Zayne sent me. Bah. ;)

Farewell, fine folks.

...(...)

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real
to know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
that I can't explain
so would I be out of line, if I said
I miss you
I see your picture, I smell your skin
on the empty pillow next to mine
you have only been gone ten days
but already I am wasting away
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon
but I need you to know that I care
and I miss you
(I miss you)
...

-Incubus

life gets pretty heavy
i wish it was light.

no more today, thanks.

The Adventures of C-dogg and K.J.

Last weekend a seed was planted. A dream was born. A trip was contrived. Casie and I made the plans to go to Paramount's Kings Island(pki for short) on Sunday June 27th. *cue dramatic music*
And that folks, is exactly what we did.
We had soooo much fun. And thanks to LouisBille, we didn't have to pay for tickets! We looked forward to it all week. We planned to hit up the water park(we're sungoddesses) and then ride the coasters in the evening. We prepared for fun in the sun. We bought beach towels, a cooler, we carefully decided what to pack the nite before, and I debuted my new orange bikini.
Once we arrived at the park, we headed straight for the waterpark... this place was *awesome*. I can't wait to go back. There are cool water rides, a lazy river(oh heaven), and a pool with a wave machine. It really felt like the ocean! They had a bar, and a band, and anything you could ever need or want! You might say it's a magical place. Here's a pic of me and Casie while having our lunch...

After lunch, we hung out with some of her co-workers from the nursing home. They're really down-to-earth folks. We took a ride on the lazy river, and then rode the coolest raft ride EVER. We laughed a lot. After that we layed out for a bit and then headed into the park for some roller-coaster-lovin'-fun!

Our first choice was Tomb Raider. Whoa. (Whoa.) We had no idea what to expect, but it was awesome and all-together-dramatic. **Descend into the ancient tomb of the illuminati guarded by the Warrior Goddess Durga, just as the planets align - and become enmeshed in an epic test of fire and ice! Hurtling through the darkness, you'll come face-to-face with glistening, razor-sharp stalactites and roiling, red-hot lava pits, twisting and turning as you struggle against the fury of nature's polar opposites in a desperate effort to escape!** We giggled the entire time... it was such a good ride... I'm pretty sure we hung upside down for 10 seconds over "molten red hot lava"! 5 stars.

The second ride was The Beast. Now, I hate roller coasters just as much as I love them. This ride is scary. It's wooden, it's fast, and it's rough. (ladies, wear support.) The Beast was born in the 70's, I believe. Dude, my *mom* has ridden this ride... so naturally I had to conquer my fear of wooden roller coasters. We got to what we thought was the end, and Casie suddenly remembered there was more... "the best part" is what she called it. So fast. So rough. It was pretty sweet. Screaming and all. 4 stars.

After that, we rode Son of Beast. A higher, faster version of The Beast. Freakin' A. This ride was insane. The only looping wooden roller coaster... with speeds of 78 mph and a descent of 214 feet. Sooo fun, and a little smoother. 4 stars.

We rode a few others, but those were definitely the high-lites! I'm sorry I don't have a picture for everyone to see... we decided not to get one b/c we were either not looking at the camera or I was in mid-scream. And that is not so attractive. :)

Here's another pic of us after a day of sun. We got pretty red, and freckly. You can't really tell, tho.

Here's a pic of Cincinnati's own the Eiffel Tower...

We finished off the nite with some Larosa's Pizza by the water fountains. It was nice to finally sit down.

It was such a perfect day. Neither of us had been to Kings Island in a long time. It had been since high school for me... we used to have to make a 4 hour trek on a school bus full of stinky teenagers, but this time we only had to drive 25 min. :) We can't wait to go back!

However, as much as I enjoyed myself at PKI, I still think Cedar Point is the best!

...

...
Me and Derek at Beatniks. It had been such a long time since I'd gone in there. They always make me feel so welcome. I love that place.

...
This is my brother and his new girlfriend, Amie. She's a looker. I haven't met her yet. When I think of them, I smile and sorta tear-up. I know he's happy.

Naked men on Music Row in Nashville. Very cool piece of art! 

... 

Laying it down.

Here's the thing. I cannot write anything worth reading to save my life. It's very frustrating. Writing has always been an outlet for me(even if I keep most of it private), but for some reason, for the last month or so... I haven't been able to manufacture a clear thought. It's driving me nuts.
I fancy myself as a some-what creative person. The juices are flowing. I keep filling up, but there is no release. What if I just blow up one day? Bits of kylie everywhere. Eeeesh.
Maybe it's b/c I haven't been reading for leisure. I have tons of books on my list. I've started a nice little library, if I do say so muh-self. Do you think it's wrong to buy books just b/c I think they look good on my vintage bookshelves? :) Anyhoo, back to the matter at hand. What in the Sam-hill is my problem?
I've played a lot of guitar the past few days... thinking it might help... it has not. I've been playing a few Gillian Welch songs. A few OtR songs from Drunkard's Prayer. And a few of my own chords. I began a poem, but Zayne had to rearrange it to make it sound better. That's how much I suck. "Hi, I'm kylie and I'm addicted to writing sucky poems." (**Hi kylie**)
Here, read this... maybe you can help... maybe we can write a poem together. Maybe we could dance...
----------------------------------------------------------
i've had this song on repeat for hours
this melody has been opened,
chords licking the wounds of one soul wrenched with pain.
my calloused fingers cling to the strings
ringing of truth
locked, and lovely
like lovers denied
the seemingly intermittent beat of my heart
fails to keep time
as it strums out my thoughts
digressively seeking direction...
-----------------------------------------------------------
*Gasp*
::Whispers:: "Did she just put part of a (sucky) poem in the middle of a post?!"
Yeah folks, I did.
I'm feeling random... what are you gonna do about it?
...Reeling it back in...
Maybe I'm scared to write? This is an online journal... linked on a message board, my aol profile, and email. Not that this is the only place I write... I'm just sayin'. (Gosh!)
Like rite now... I could probably totally take the lid off of my heart and spill out every thought and emotion, but I can't do that here. Someone might read it and take it the wrong way and that could be bad. It could be a lot of things.
So maybe it's b/c I'm not taking time to see the beauty. Life, sometimes, feels like it's moving too fast. Yet, too slow. Something is missing. (Notice I didn't say *someone*) And a lot of the time I think about things I don't have. I should be focusing on the things I do have... that would probably make life feel more complete. And maybe that's where my creativity lies.

Oh, I'm little lost and not so sure I want to be found. God help me.

So, I just rambled... Hey! That's a start.

And now, I'm gonna hit the books like a fat kid on chocolate cake. I mean, I'm gonna study... hard.

...

My memory will not fail me now,
And the rest is history...

A blessing.

I can't quite find the words to describe what I'm feeling. I'm gonna post another's words....
But a big ol' wave of feelings, memories, and emotions hit me today and these words are part of that.

Listen.
...

Ever

You ripped me wide open
Wounded and curled
Broke the skin to let my joy spill out
Scarred my world
Like a permanent smile
Wrecked my idea of heaven
Threw open the blinds to let the light shine in
Said, To hell with what you think you know
You have no idea what you're doing
I'm going to teach you to dance
You put a finger on my lips
One hand on my hips
Leaned in and whispered
The music is inside you
I said, The world is too big to love
You said, Love it one bite at a time
I said, I don't know if I can die like this
You said, Close your eyes and let me break your fall
You'll be raised up if you'll just lie down
Sow your love into my fertile ground
I said, There was a time my brother built a tree house in the swamp
How did he do that with just some spare lumber and a hammer
There was a ladder that we climbed
And we sat and looked out into the summer sun
Together
My brother said, without saying a word,
Everything we need to know is right here
There is no other world
We'll never have more than we have right now
Maybe we glimpsed it all in that blurry Pennsylvania sunset
You said that's the kind of love I'm talking about
We can get it backI can pull for you
And pour myself into your sleepy heart
Like black coffee
You'll wake up and there will be this aroma
Coming up the stairs
From the kitchen
You'll sit up and stretch your arms and think
I can do this
And the thing about this one is
I don't have an ending in mind
. . .

-linford detweiler

We're falling in love again... me and Jetta James.

That's rite, ya'll. 90% on my A & P exam. Next chatper: Neurophysiology!
..

Matter-of-Course

...
you hit me like the cold in the morning rain
you hit me like the wind against a moving train
you hit me like a preacher with a heavy soul
i will find another way home

you hit me like deliah on samson
you hit me like the fires on rome
you hit me with your fear, yeah i can take it baby
i will find another way home

you hit me like the anger of mexico
burnin' down the doors of the alamo
you hit me with the things i already know
i will find another way home

when you hit me, yeah you always leave a trace of it on my skin
when you hit me, i'm in no man's land, relevating it
when you hit me the whole world feels abuse and my regret

when you hit me, i am not me
i am not me, when you hit me
i am not me
when you hit me, i am not me

you hit me like the blue of the ocean sky
you hit me like the heat of july
you hit me with your fist, yeah i can take it baby
i will find another way...
i will find another way...
i will find another way home
...

-kim taylor

Rock n' Roll Heaven...

So, I had a very odd dream last nite.

I can't really recall how it started out. The first thing I remember is looking down at the clouds. It was the most beautiful thing ever. I asked our "tour guide" where we were, and she replied "rock n' roll heaven". (i know, right?)
It was a big building, with hundreds of little rooms meant for playing and listening.
So strange, but cool. It wasn't all musicians tho. There were a lot of celebrities, and some normal folks, like myself. Not everyone was dead, it sorta felt like a place for broken hearts. I felt so lost, but the music made it worthwhile.
And I could use my cell phone. I called my mom, but of course I didn't have a very good signal. (I'm guessing there aren't cell phone towers in heaven.) So then I tried to call some friends, but still couldn't get thru. I was panicking b/c I couldn't figure out what was going on. I finally got ahold of my mother... she couldn't hear anything I was saying. Thru the static I hear my mom say, "he'll be waiting for you at the doors"... and then the phone cut out. I knew who she was talking about. So I started walking, looking for these doors... looking for him. The place was so big, I walked for what felt like years. I started to give up. And then I ran into this lady... She was old, and very wise to what was going on. I have no idea who she was, but I felt a kinship with her. She only told me to wait...

And then I woke up.

What a strange dream, in so many ways. Hmmm...

haha.
"Kylie with gout." Artwork courtesy of Anna.

Much prettier in real life. 

me and my buddy, michelle. 

...

...

I'm in a picture-posting mood.
Me, Karin Bergquist(OtR), and Kimberly.

venting...

i never took your hand
because i never trusted it
you've done all you can do, i suppose
but, you repeatedly fell on your face,
as i watched, as she picked you up
and fortunately let you go.
no one ever saved me
the way you could have,
if you were someone else.
maybe things could have been different,
mabye i wouldn't be the way i am,
disappoint(-ing, -ed) and delusional.
. . .

... 

Call it the shadow of myself.

I was thinking...

Before all of this crappy love junk, I was doing really well. I remember thinking positively and being happy just b/c I'm living in Cincinnati. Sure, I was sorta bored and was itching to make some new friends and whatnot. But I'm feeling pretty lonely rite now. I have a roommate, good friends all over the country, supportive family, and a serving job I like. But mostly things feel icky. I'll get over it, I know... I just need to vent a little. I really want to get back on track with school, and save money. I want to get into shape, and highlite my hair(I think I'll do that tomorrow). I want to be a better person... stop "feeling" so darn much. It's annoying, and it's not so healthy at times. (I wonder if this is too personal) There's so much I could be doing rather than being sad, and lamenting over someone not worth the energy. There's so much to be done. I believe it was Abe Lincoln who said "we're only as happy as we choose to be". Hmm.

I'm also really looking forward to a certain Apple gathering coming up in a few weeks. It will be so refreshing to see all of their smiling faces. It's exciting to think of laughing with everyone. (that sounds really dorky!) I dunno... I just love me some Apples. And I appreciate the support and words of encouragement from my friends. Ya'll have no idea how much you mean to me. (Love.)

So, Spring is on it's way. Yay! And then Summer! Which means sunny days, evening walks, throwing the ball around, ice cream, open windows, flip flops.... I can't wait! :)

Anyhoo, it's late.

Oh, and by the way... please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for a few days if that's ok.

Ever.
...

Smiling more...

I love this song.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you
...
-U2

And I love this photo... the only thing missing is Keith!
http://www.keithfromny.org/nyc03-2005/nyc01.jpg

my randomness(is that a word?) knows no bounds. :)
...

Bluer.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Wow, it's been a rough coupla weeks. Break-ups...
I just don't understand... well, he thinks I just don't accept. We'll see.
I don't like to leave things unresolved, so on a whim I tried to fix that... it was going as well as could be expected and then took a turn for the worse...and now I'm supposed to let go. Interesting.
Love is... Well, let me ask a question to all the fine folks who read my journal. Do you think love is a choice?
I'm not sure how I feel about it being a choice. But then, I'm a "feeler". Some people think too much.
Pain is a reality of life. I would rather love than choose to feel pain. That's just me.

God, I miss "that feeling".

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I did a crazy thing this past weekend... as if driving 8 hours wasn't insane... I made the the "4 hour" trek to New York. I knew I needed to be around folks who care about me. I needed friends, and the drive was well worth it. We walked, and walked, and... walked. One of the coolest parts was seeing where John Lennon was shot and killed. There is so much to see in that city. Times Square is unreal... sorta like "why?"
I would definitely like to go back. Note to self: wear clogs or athletic shoes next time.
Keith, Bill, Mariesa... Thank you from the deepest part of my heart. And thanks for the "LOVE STINKS" tshirt... it goes nicely with my broken heart!
And thanks to Jane and Julie for making me smile and such. And thanks to Karin and Linford for making a girl feel like everything's gonna be alrite.
This kindness and generosity is beyond me. I had a wonderful time exploring NYC with wonderful people. You just have no idea how much I needed it.

And yet, it wasn't supposed to happen.

I had so many thoughts running thru my head, and now it feels blank. How frustrating.

Oh, I feel a little lost. Love is so complicated. ::scream::

...

why is my heart prone to breaking?

f*ck.

Play-by-play

Today, I actually smiled and giggled. Someone even told me they missed my giggle. How sweet.

I spent a lot of today in thought. And a lot of time getting advice from three different dude friends.
What a strange day. This has the potential to be a very random journal entry. You don't mind, do you?

This a.m. I talked with a dear(hot!) friend from the Orchard. (man, i miss you) For some reason, this tiny convo had a positive affect on today's outlook. Thank you for your concern.
After that... I showered, made myself smell nice, put on make-up and felt pretty(which is important when you're feeling sickly). :)

I had lunch with my long-lost friend, Steven. Everytime I spend time with this fella... I feel so good about myself. We talked about love, books, tomato-basil soup, Damien Rice, love, and the awkwardness of eating noodles on first dates. He reminds me of my dearest**... less goofy, but so much alike.
He has an easy presence, and enjoys giving compliments. He's romantic with his words... elegant. He's strong, kind, and intelligent. I trust his advice and wish him luck on the book and the job search. Thank you, Steven.


After lunch I rushed to my doc appointment. Interesting, the outcome. And by interesting I mean scary. They scheduled me for a Cardio-Stress Test... that whole 4-hour-hooked-up-to-a-tread-mill type of thing. Normally... I dunno, I don't think I'd be as freaked out. Maybe it's just bad timing. I'm actually scared. I'm twenty-freakin-three years old. I want someone to tell me it's ok, and to hold my hand. I'm keep telling myself it's gonna be fine... but geez, I'm scared.

Good thoughts...

On the way home, I stopped at the church. I just needed to visit with my old youth pastor... Jeff. This man used to be one of the most important in my life. Life changes took our relationship on different paths. Even so, I was greeted with a smile. I've been missed, and that's just alrite. We caught up a bit. I sat down in his office, and that was his cue to give some much needed advice, along with his ever familiar attempts to make me giggle. I love that man. He also reminds me of someone I find dearest**. It's so funny... our conversations. An example... he listens to me ramble and then tries to convince me of something so completely silly and I say, "you're craaaaazy!... Jeff... focus!" "Oh ok... go on". Repeat. And then finally the good advice comes out. His perspective is the concensus. And therefore, hopeful.

Yesterday I didn't even listen to music. Today I sang on the way home.

A little later in the evening, I believe I made a new friend. So, thanks to Janelle for making me laugh and feel proud to be a girl. She's a gem, that one.
You sit back and relax, I'll row for now. ;)

I sat down and read some things online... sadness ensued. "I felt my head was like a heavy flood... I'm gonna float or I'm gonna sink..."

I'll float rite now, thanks.

I just know that whatever I do... it's in love, and I should hope others would do the same. Seems obvious to me. (read: Logic does not always apply)

Thanks for reading this log of my life. You're too kind, and chances are ... you're more than you think you are(to me).
. . .

(**not as in I "own" a dearest... the one "dearest" to me... just to clarify)

I'm not even sure.

Often, I find myself thinking about what I was doing this time last year. So I suppose I'll share a little.
Last year on this day I was in Japan with a severe broken heart. A lot of you know the story... just the same old lost love blather. Much has happened since then. I've began life again, made a lot of dear friends, seen/heard some good live music, and met someone who's become very important to me. It's been a (lovely)whirlwind, that's fo sho. It's odd to think of how relationships come about and how people's lives become intertwined. I believe this is the most important part of life. Seems obvious to me.
This person I met a few short months ago is among the greatest I've ever known. I knew that in the minutes following the first time we laid eyes on each other. (Sappy? Nah.) The things he's overcome, and the lengths he's gone to make life better is why I respect him so much. His presence is easy, gentle, humerous... He is loved. He is blessed. Troy, you're so much more than I could ever express. And you've made me feel beautiful again. Thank you.

"The greatest thing is to love and be loved in return."

Maybe I shouldn't post these (perhaps) private thoughts. It just is what it is.


Love.

Long time... no write.

It's been a while. Primarily b/c I no longer have an internet connection. I'm at the library. Bah.

My thoughts are single, elsewhere, and scattered. This is not a good thing.
Much has happened since I last posted. I cannot, at this time, go into detail. (the suspense is killing you...)

I'm posting lyrics today.

...

I want you to be my love.
I want you to be my love.
Something, something... stars above.
I want you to be my love.

I want you to know me now.
I want you to know me now.
Break a promise, make a vow.
I know you want me now....

Like I want you...
Like I want you...

I want you to be my love.
I want you to be my love.
'Cause I want you...
'Cause I want you...
All that you've been through.

-OtR
...

Be still.