Thanksgiving...

This post is inspired by a thread in the Orchard.

Thanksgiving is probably my favourite holiday. Friends, family, and food.
I love the feeling in the air. Generally, everyone is friendly and excited to see one another. The house is warm, and no one is expecting anything. The Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade is on the t.v. in the morning, and football in the afternoon. My mother spends her day cooking. (it's like an art form) The food is exceptional and you can feel the approaching Christmas spirit. This may be a bit more romantic than it actually is, but that's the fun part. I do love this holiday.

This year I'm thankful for...

• life, and learning it's much better than the alternative.
• my parents, and they're generosity. (i love you, mom)
• my sister and brother. i can't wait to see them.
• my extended family.
• my dear friends. i miss everyone so much.
• my roommate. i'm ever grateful for what he's provided and how much he's done to help me out. thank you.
• the Orchard. joining in that community last spring was exactly what i needed. you made a sad girl smile way more than she ever thought she could. thank you.
• someone, in the past year, who's taught me a lot about growing up. you've been more important than i've lead on. you're only you, and it's beautiful.
• new friend(s), and laughing. i'm looking forward...
• folks who give just to give.
• my new apartment. the folks who hooked me up with said apartment, my generous landlords, and the community sorrounding my apt.
• for feelings and thoughts. maybe this doesn't make sense. but, i'm thankful that i can take the time and appreciate the small things in life.
• and last but not least... books, music, and writing. my outlets.

...

I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. Friends, you're in my thoughts. I love most of you. :)

sense of belonging

so, tonite I was invited to a small group thingy... "house church" is what they call it.

first off, it was held across the street from my new apartment. so it was cool saying, "yeah i'm moving in across the street in a month." :)

also, i didn't feel awkward at all. the folks who invited me, the ones i actually know their names, weren't there. normally in this type of situation, i sorta freeze up and become very backwards and shy. but i felt .... welcomed. and for the first time since i've been living in Cincinnati... i felt like i could call it "home" for the time being.... a very warm and much needed feeling. i cannot wait until i move into my apartment, and into that little community.
...

i don't want to whine or complain. but if anyone could send out some good vibes in the way of financial stresses... i'm all for it. i mean, i can live in my apartment w/o furniture, right? heh.

also, thanks to my dear friends who leave comments here. i don't always get the time to respond. but i appreciate the thoughts and the time you take to leave the message.

goodnite. and i miss you, whoever you are.

it's been a while.

i haven't posted in a few weeks, mainly b/c i've been to busy to sit down and think of what i want to say. i shouldn't be doing it now, but my head might explode.

after hearing the election results a bit ago, i feel rather "blah". i don't know who has the right answers, but it certainly doesn't make sense to keep handing out the wrong ones. i feel helpless, and quite sad.

there have been two other issues bothering me as of late. i'd rather not mention names nor go into the whole dramatic story.
these "issues"... i'm saying goodbye to. one forever, one just for now. it's just not worth the time i put into it. i wish it were, especially the one "here and now". that's the hard truth, i suppose. i guess i just want more than what is actually available. ... whatever that is??

actually, you know... i will mention one... my ex. what a self-absorbed, delusional asshole. seriously. apparently he lives in some mystery state... my sister was told he doesn't want anyone to know where he is. anyone = me or my family.
every time something comes up about the war... i just get really really pissed. i spent months supporting my ex while he was over there. countless letters, emails, and packages to make his days go better. sure, that was my job. but what did i get for it? nothing. it's totally more than that, i just can't express myself enuf. you spend these nights not sleeping or crying b/c you might get a knock on your door with the worst news you could imagine. and then, you're told you didn't love him and was too selfish to see it? pardon, but that is just crap.
the "funny" thing is, (and it might not seem like it) but i've moved on. just sometimes, certain things bring up unsettled feelings b/c there was absolutely no closure in Japan. and to whom it may concern: get over yourselves, you have no idea and you're just weird.
(/rant.)

i'm really okay... i just needed to vent. now i must study...

rainy day journal.

i'm craving something beautiful.

do you ever feel like this? ... like untouched passion spilling out in the color of sweet, red wine. it almost feels silly to say b/c it's so strong, i know it cannot be expressed in words. it's that feeling. when i have it, i'm so thankful i feel like i could die right then and there. and it has nothing to do with me, it's another's beauty. it's in a painting, a poem, or in a chord. it's someone's life leaked onto the pages of my life. it's in my grandmothers's tired eyes. it's the exchange of touch. it's giving. it's so much. if i'm making any sense, please don't take it for granted. slow down, and search for it. let it come to you. just don't miss it.
....

brand new day.

Well, I'm here. I live in Cincinnati, now.

I'm feeling a bit lonely, I think. I'm sure it will pass... I start school on Tuesday, and hopefully a new job really soon. :) I just can't wait to get out... find some cool places, and meet some cool folks. I sound like a nerd... so, I'll add to that... I sorta miss my mom. And my bro and sis. And it's weird not having my dad around to put things together or fix stuff.

I'm not complaining... this is what I want. It's just transitional, and will take some getting used to. In the words of Martha Stewart... "This is a very good thing." *snicker*
That said, it's time to look for a job, and start saving for my own place! Woohoo! (i can't wait for Casie to get here!!)

I'm truely grateful to Dave for letting me live here for the time being. And very thankful for my mother... she took me shopping for all those much needed little items. Thanks, mom.

I love most of you. G'day!

Life is weird.

... a broad statement, I realize.

I always find myself thinking, "what was I doing one year ago?"... well, last year at this time I had a boyfriend, and we were seriously talking marriage. I had a horrible job, and I wasn't in school. My church-life was becoming non-existent. My closest non-boyfriend-having-girl-friend was someone I barely speak to now.
Today, I got an email from said girl-friend saying she got engaged last nite. I haven't had a date in over a month. I'm moving to another state in less than a week. School will take up a lot of my time(thankfully). I'm really going to miss working at Beatniks. And I frequently wonder about God. If he's there, why hasn't he reached out?
...

"clear in the middle
where the walls don't bend,
there's a soul on the edge of being born again.
the sky's all blue and the coulds move high
like the smoke above the mirror to my after-life.
i know it's crazy, i don't care...
i'm not wreckless, i'm no good
i know that i'm not doing like i said i would."

and these... are the days of our lives.

i feel overwhelmed, and very unsettled.

there is just so much going on. there's good and bad. i feel like 10 different people trying to align schedules for an important meeting.

i've had some interesting conversations with all different types of friends, lately.
and in other friendships, not enough conversation... which only stresses me out and makes me try too hard.
i've met these cool guys at Beatniks. i'm leaving. bad timing.
my mother is hurting. but doing well with her diet.
i need to visit my grandmother... this brings tears to my eyes.
i'm lonely.
i think "he" moved away.
my sister barely speaks to me.
i don't have a job lined up in Cinci.
i don't know if i want religion anymore. at least, i don't rite now.
i really love to sing, but i suck.
i'm scared about moving. what if i miss something important? will i make friends? this is the right thing, isn't it? will i be able to get my own apartment?
re-finishing this wooden desk gives me a good feeling.
money and bills suck.
i don't want to be forgotten.
i crave passion.

i know, deep down, it's all going to work out. but rite now, well, i'm just not so fine.

"how can i taste so many kinds, and still have one song in mind?"
...

.....

it makes a difference
when you walk through a room
with that worrisome smile
road weary perfume

but this isn't the place
and it isn't the time
for this beautiful delusion
that is robbing me blind

i want to know
i want to know
will it make a difference
when i go

it makes a difference
that i'm feeling this way
with plenty to think aboutand so little to say
except for this confession
that is poised on my lips
i'm not letting go of God
I'm just losing my grip

i want to know
i want to know
will it keep you guessing
when i go

what is a love
if the love's not my own
this is not my home
this is lonely
but never alone

i just want to hold you
in my gaze for awhile
so i can remember
every line around your smile

then i want to know
i want to know
will it make a difference
when I go
...

Well, tonite I had plans to tell my boss that I'm leaving. He never came in(which is weird), so I ended up leaving a short letter. I just had to get it out, I couldn't let it wait until Thursday, and tomorrow I'll be in Cinci all day. *sigh* It will be alrite. It's just bad timing.
...
That cute boy came in again tonite. He's cute. Let's just say I did alrite in the tip department. That's all. :)
...
I should go to bed. I have to get up early to work on the desk I'm refinishing, and then off to Cinci for a meeting and a small job search.

Goodnite.

i just love photos!

college2
... all my girls from college. the beautiful blond on the bottom was my roommate freshman year. the girl in green(also a kileigh) on the bottom, and the 4 girls below me were my closest friends.

sunday afternoon.

I must say, yesterday was quite lovely. It was sunny, and about 70 degrees.

One of the girls from work had previously told me about some free house type stuff she was giving away. So I stopped by their house to rummage thru all the boxes. I got a glass pie dish(What? I can bake!), two serving dishes, some silverware, and some Tupperware®. I also picked up an antique wooden chair, begging to be restored. This is all so exciting. I stopped by the fleamarket(that's such a gross name when you think of it), found some old dishclothes, and 3 of the greatest old old black and white photos. I'm just beyond myself about those... I "bartered" for them too. Haha. One is in a frame, it's a class picture from the 20's, i believe. The other two photos are portrait shots, one a younger lady and the other an older(tired) women. They are just fantastic! I can just see them hanging on the wall in my little vintage apt. Hehe. (I better calm down!)
Afterwards, I stopped in Beatniks b/c my sister was working by herself. One of the cute boys who comes in rather regularly was there. *sigh* Yeah, so we sat and talked for the next 3 hours or so. It was refreshing. He's cute, but it was nice to not be hit on or propositioned just b/c I'm a female. Even so, if he asked... I'd most likely have a positive reply. :) We played a few songs on guitar, he sang(wow), and then I got out the bongo drums. What fun! ...but painful!
My luck... he's probably interested in my sister. *sigh* Ahh well.

It was a nice Sunday.
...

--listening to CowboyJunkies, Open---> Courtesy of Michelle from Hawaii. :)

a trip down memory lane...

so, i've been going thru a lot of boxes in preparation for the big move. i came across a bunch of stuff from high school. what a trip! i'm really not sure why i was one of the popular kids... i looked like such a dork! i guess we were all pretty dorky. i found myself giggling as i paged thru a coupla yearbooks. i also found my "senior will". my goodness, it brought back a lot of memories with close girlfriends! makes me wonder if there was anything we didn't laugh about.i also found a lot of pictures from my "college days".... still dorky, but a little prettier. haha.

all this to say, it's funny how life takes so many unexpected turns.

life is good.

here are two of the many pictures i came across...

highschool 

a quickie

i've officially started packing. i've found i have a lot of junk, a lot of memories i'm not ready to throw away, and more music than i originally thought. however, i'm missing two cds... jack johnson(brushfire fairytales) and the jayhawks(most recent). if anyone has information regarding these cds, please contact your local police. thaaaaanks.
...

i'm really really dreading having to tell Beatniks about leaving. right now, i'm pretty much waiting for the appropriate time to break the news. *sigh* i know it will all work out, but "eh".
...

i'm proud of myself for the amount of mundane tasks i accomplished today. *pats self on back*

yeah... we're gonna be alrite.

off to work... ..... .... ......

The 11 o'clock news...

...included a feature story of 4 U.S. Marines coming home from Iraq. I'm all teary-eyed. I can never watch these types of stories w/o crying. Last year when Joe came home from Iraq, I felt so horrible that I could not be in N.C. when he got off the plane. No one was there for him, not even his family. The day after, I said, "screw my job", rented a car, and surprised him. When I arrived, I remember feeling so safe, and protected, along with many other emotions. Going thru a war with someone is not easy. I better stop now.
...

"Life is strange. (Life is good. Life is how it should be.)"

frustrated...

i'm trying to switch over to blogspot, but this is a little more complicated than livejournal, so it seems. any help would be appreciated.