Let's write a story...

So... it's been a long time. How are you?

I'm in a poor mood, and probably shouldn't be writing. Much less journaling.
I'm gonna tell you what's really bothering me. It's important, and I really need to open the flood gates.
Here's the thing... I'm living with quite a bit of hatred. I mean... when I think of this one person, and every tiny little memory or moment we had, and everything to do with that spot in my life is just painful. Just pain. Now, it's not the kind of pain that is wearing on me or making we weak. It's more like... everytime I see something or hear a song or glance at a picture... it's just this twinge in my heart. Not a knife b/c he's obviously not that sharp. Just... pain. And a lot of disappointment in someone I held with high regard. It's sad really... how someone can be so ingeniune. What an awful feeling(read: person).
I don't like it, and I certainly can't help it. I'm sure a lot of you know by now that Joe and I got back together... and then, once again, he took another path. Sure... I know there are things I should have done differently. Small things. Honestly, I know it wasn't me. That guy... well, we won't get into it. I'm not writing to bash. I'm writing to help myself. It just makes me so angry that I let him back in... with hardly any questions asked, after one of the worst break-up stories anyone has ever heard... and then he just... took it all way. Again. That sorta thing has the tendency to mess a girl up pretty bad. Heart-broken. Twice. By the same fickle guy.
And, in the process... I hurt someone else who means a lot to me b/c I felt like I was doing what I had to do. I could have handled it a little better than I did, but that's another topic.
So it was a bad situation all around. I certainly didn't need all of those new memories, words, and promises. Nite and day.
Anyhoo, after I certain point I realized I can't let it get me down like it did the first time. But, I think most of that thought came from anger. Which isn't so healthy. I'd rather work past it, not just be mad and hate him. But, man it's hard not to just wish terrible things for him. (i'm totally not that kind of person)
I mean, he didn't really consider my feelings when he told me he "wants better". That kinda makes me laugh now. Wanna know why? B/c he isn't good enuf for better. It doesn't get better than me. *grin* I digress.
So... how do I work past this w/o anger? I just want to be over it. Honestly. I've always been bad about investing too much energy into people who don't deserve it.
I'll be a better person for it. I know it.

I've been trying to mend a relationship. I'm ashamed of the way I acted, and I completely regret the way it all happened. I'm just hoping, at this point, to gain back some trust. It's killing me now... I just want to get it all on the table, be completely honest... but I guess I'm waiting for the rite time. It's really important to me.
I hope it works out.

In other news... I feel like I've gotten out a lot more this summer than I did last year. Which is cool. I've had a coupla dates. Which is great... I'm having a good time doing that. I've spent a fair amount of time on the river. Which I love. I've seen some good shows... and there are more to come. Yay for listening to new music. I feel like I'm doing my part. Patty Griffin, Tres Chicas, Donavon Frankenreiter... to name a few.

I got transferred to another crew with the park board. I love it. And they like me. It's a really good thing!
...

I just want to be real. I want to do better. I want to be connected to the important people in my life. And I'm not going to let anyone ruin that. Life is about relationships, and living rather than existing. I don't want it any other way.

Thanks for reading and looking thru my photos. There will be more posted soon... I hope.

G'day.

So, I feel like I need to add a big p.s.

P.S. The major topic in this journal entry isn't really on my mind that much. It was. There are so many more important issues in my life. [/me]