...
Me and Derek at Beatniks. It had been such a long time since I'd gone in there. They always make me feel so welcome. I love that place.

...
This is my brother and his new girlfriend, Amie. She's a looker. I haven't met her yet. When I think of them, I smile and sorta tear-up. I know he's happy.

Naked men on Music Row in Nashville. Very cool piece of art! 

... 

Laying it down.

Here's the thing. I cannot write anything worth reading to save my life. It's very frustrating. Writing has always been an outlet for me(even if I keep most of it private), but for some reason, for the last month or so... I haven't been able to manufacture a clear thought. It's driving me nuts.
I fancy myself as a some-what creative person. The juices are flowing. I keep filling up, but there is no release. What if I just blow up one day? Bits of kylie everywhere. Eeeesh.
Maybe it's b/c I haven't been reading for leisure. I have tons of books on my list. I've started a nice little library, if I do say so muh-self. Do you think it's wrong to buy books just b/c I think they look good on my vintage bookshelves? :) Anyhoo, back to the matter at hand. What in the Sam-hill is my problem?
I've played a lot of guitar the past few days... thinking it might help... it has not. I've been playing a few Gillian Welch songs. A few OtR songs from Drunkard's Prayer. And a few of my own chords. I began a poem, but Zayne had to rearrange it to make it sound better. That's how much I suck. "Hi, I'm kylie and I'm addicted to writing sucky poems." (**Hi kylie**)
Here, read this... maybe you can help... maybe we can write a poem together. Maybe we could dance...
----------------------------------------------------------
i've had this song on repeat for hours
this melody has been opened,
chords licking the wounds of one soul wrenched with pain.
my calloused fingers cling to the strings
ringing of truth
locked, and lovely
like lovers denied
the seemingly intermittent beat of my heart
fails to keep time
as it strums out my thoughts
digressively seeking direction...
-----------------------------------------------------------
*Gasp*
::Whispers:: "Did she just put part of a (sucky) poem in the middle of a post?!"
Yeah folks, I did.
I'm feeling random... what are you gonna do about it?
...Reeling it back in...
Maybe I'm scared to write? This is an online journal... linked on a message board, my aol profile, and email. Not that this is the only place I write... I'm just sayin'. (Gosh!)
Like rite now... I could probably totally take the lid off of my heart and spill out every thought and emotion, but I can't do that here. Someone might read it and take it the wrong way and that could be bad. It could be a lot of things.
So maybe it's b/c I'm not taking time to see the beauty. Life, sometimes, feels like it's moving too fast. Yet, too slow. Something is missing. (Notice I didn't say *someone*) And a lot of the time I think about things I don't have. I should be focusing on the things I do have... that would probably make life feel more complete. And maybe that's where my creativity lies.

Oh, I'm little lost and not so sure I want to be found. God help me.

So, I just rambled... Hey! That's a start.

And now, I'm gonna hit the books like a fat kid on chocolate cake. I mean, I'm gonna study... hard.

...

My memory will not fail me now,
And the rest is history...

A blessing.

I can't quite find the words to describe what I'm feeling. I'm gonna post another's words....
But a big ol' wave of feelings, memories, and emotions hit me today and these words are part of that.

Listen.
...

Ever

You ripped me wide open
Wounded and curled
Broke the skin to let my joy spill out
Scarred my world
Like a permanent smile
Wrecked my idea of heaven
Threw open the blinds to let the light shine in
Said, To hell with what you think you know
You have no idea what you're doing
I'm going to teach you to dance
You put a finger on my lips
One hand on my hips
Leaned in and whispered
The music is inside you
I said, The world is too big to love
You said, Love it one bite at a time
I said, I don't know if I can die like this
You said, Close your eyes and let me break your fall
You'll be raised up if you'll just lie down
Sow your love into my fertile ground
I said, There was a time my brother built a tree house in the swamp
How did he do that with just some spare lumber and a hammer
There was a ladder that we climbed
And we sat and looked out into the summer sun
Together
My brother said, without saying a word,
Everything we need to know is right here
There is no other world
We'll never have more than we have right now
Maybe we glimpsed it all in that blurry Pennsylvania sunset
You said that's the kind of love I'm talking about
We can get it backI can pull for you
And pour myself into your sleepy heart
Like black coffee
You'll wake up and there will be this aroma
Coming up the stairs
From the kitchen
You'll sit up and stretch your arms and think
I can do this
And the thing about this one is
I don't have an ending in mind
. . .

-linford detweiler

We're falling in love again... me and Jetta James.

That's rite, ya'll. 90% on my A & P exam. Next chatper: Neurophysiology!
..

Matter-of-Course

...
you hit me like the cold in the morning rain
you hit me like the wind against a moving train
you hit me like a preacher with a heavy soul
i will find another way home

you hit me like deliah on samson
you hit me like the fires on rome
you hit me with your fear, yeah i can take it baby
i will find another way home

you hit me like the anger of mexico
burnin' down the doors of the alamo
you hit me with the things i already know
i will find another way home

when you hit me, yeah you always leave a trace of it on my skin
when you hit me, i'm in no man's land, relevating it
when you hit me the whole world feels abuse and my regret

when you hit me, i am not me
i am not me, when you hit me
i am not me
when you hit me, i am not me

you hit me like the blue of the ocean sky
you hit me like the heat of july
you hit me with your fist, yeah i can take it baby
i will find another way...
i will find another way...
i will find another way home
...

-kim taylor

Rock n' Roll Heaven...

So, I had a very odd dream last nite.

I can't really recall how it started out. The first thing I remember is looking down at the clouds. It was the most beautiful thing ever. I asked our "tour guide" where we were, and she replied "rock n' roll heaven". (i know, right?)
It was a big building, with hundreds of little rooms meant for playing and listening.
So strange, but cool. It wasn't all musicians tho. There were a lot of celebrities, and some normal folks, like myself. Not everyone was dead, it sorta felt like a place for broken hearts. I felt so lost, but the music made it worthwhile.
And I could use my cell phone. I called my mom, but of course I didn't have a very good signal. (I'm guessing there aren't cell phone towers in heaven.) So then I tried to call some friends, but still couldn't get thru. I was panicking b/c I couldn't figure out what was going on. I finally got ahold of my mother... she couldn't hear anything I was saying. Thru the static I hear my mom say, "he'll be waiting for you at the doors"... and then the phone cut out. I knew who she was talking about. So I started walking, looking for these doors... looking for him. The place was so big, I walked for what felt like years. I started to give up. And then I ran into this lady... She was old, and very wise to what was going on. I have no idea who she was, but I felt a kinship with her. She only told me to wait...

And then I woke up.

What a strange dream, in so many ways. Hmmm...

haha.
"Kylie with gout." Artwork courtesy of Anna.

Much prettier in real life. 

me and my buddy, michelle. 

...

...

I'm in a picture-posting mood.
Me, Karin Bergquist(OtR), and Kimberly.

venting...

i never took your hand
because i never trusted it
you've done all you can do, i suppose
but, you repeatedly fell on your face,
as i watched, as she picked you up
and fortunately let you go.
no one ever saved me
the way you could have,
if you were someone else.
maybe things could have been different,
mabye i wouldn't be the way i am,
disappoint(-ing, -ed) and delusional.
. . .

... 

Call it the shadow of myself.

I was thinking...

Before all of this crappy love junk, I was doing really well. I remember thinking positively and being happy just b/c I'm living in Cincinnati. Sure, I was sorta bored and was itching to make some new friends and whatnot. But I'm feeling pretty lonely rite now. I have a roommate, good friends all over the country, supportive family, and a serving job I like. But mostly things feel icky. I'll get over it, I know... I just need to vent a little. I really want to get back on track with school, and save money. I want to get into shape, and highlite my hair(I think I'll do that tomorrow). I want to be a better person... stop "feeling" so darn much. It's annoying, and it's not so healthy at times. (I wonder if this is too personal) There's so much I could be doing rather than being sad, and lamenting over someone not worth the energy. There's so much to be done. I believe it was Abe Lincoln who said "we're only as happy as we choose to be". Hmm.

I'm also really looking forward to a certain Apple gathering coming up in a few weeks. It will be so refreshing to see all of their smiling faces. It's exciting to think of laughing with everyone. (that sounds really dorky!) I dunno... I just love me some Apples. And I appreciate the support and words of encouragement from my friends. Ya'll have no idea how much you mean to me. (Love.)

So, Spring is on it's way. Yay! And then Summer! Which means sunny days, evening walks, throwing the ball around, ice cream, open windows, flip flops.... I can't wait! :)

Anyhoo, it's late.

Oh, and by the way... please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for a few days if that's ok.

Ever.
...

Smiling more...

I love this song.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you
...
-U2

And I love this photo... the only thing missing is Keith!
http://www.keithfromny.org/nyc03-2005/nyc01.jpg

my randomness(is that a word?) knows no bounds. :)
...

Bluer.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Wow, it's been a rough coupla weeks. Break-ups...
I just don't understand... well, he thinks I just don't accept. We'll see.
I don't like to leave things unresolved, so on a whim I tried to fix that... it was going as well as could be expected and then took a turn for the worse...and now I'm supposed to let go. Interesting.
Love is... Well, let me ask a question to all the fine folks who read my journal. Do you think love is a choice?
I'm not sure how I feel about it being a choice. But then, I'm a "feeler". Some people think too much.
Pain is a reality of life. I would rather love than choose to feel pain. That's just me.

God, I miss "that feeling".

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I did a crazy thing this past weekend... as if driving 8 hours wasn't insane... I made the the "4 hour" trek to New York. I knew I needed to be around folks who care about me. I needed friends, and the drive was well worth it. We walked, and walked, and... walked. One of the coolest parts was seeing where John Lennon was shot and killed. There is so much to see in that city. Times Square is unreal... sorta like "why?"
I would definitely like to go back. Note to self: wear clogs or athletic shoes next time.
Keith, Bill, Mariesa... Thank you from the deepest part of my heart. And thanks for the "LOVE STINKS" tshirt... it goes nicely with my broken heart!
And thanks to Jane and Julie for making me smile and such. And thanks to Karin and Linford for making a girl feel like everything's gonna be alrite.
This kindness and generosity is beyond me. I had a wonderful time exploring NYC with wonderful people. You just have no idea how much I needed it.

And yet, it wasn't supposed to happen.

I had so many thoughts running thru my head, and now it feels blank. How frustrating.

Oh, I feel a little lost. Love is so complicated. ::scream::

...

why is my heart prone to breaking?

f*ck.